Perspectives on the Task of Being a Father:

On this father’s Day, many of us are second-guessing ourselves. Wondering if we are doing it right; debating within if the old time religion and our fathers were right or if we should defer to the new-age ‘wisdom of sociologist, psychologist and so many other professions that tell us very strange things about the psychology of our children. With all due respect, and nothing against practitioners of these professions, may I submit that the majority of what is being spewed out there is nothing but errant nonsense to create more jobs and financial opportunities for themselves. We have all read the stories and psychoanalysis of why Michael Jackson and other child stars went astray in their later years “because their father spanked them”. Really?. A dad instills principles and work ethics on a child that helps them to rise above their peers and develop their potentials early. They become a phenomenon and hugely successful and then the wealth and fame corrupts their mind, and they lose themselves in the glory and accolades of mere mortals and derail; they overindulge in the good life, the good things of this earth and in drugs, and experiment the limits and soon they fall like a pack of cards.

Why does the father get the blame for his downfall, but never his rise to fame and fortune you ask?. I am still waiting for an answer too. The other question is why anyone thinks they can predict or understand with certainty how anyone would act in any set of circumstances. The only check on anyone’s behavior given the opportunities is your character and set of values. Show me a man without set values and I will show you a disaster waiting to happen. Show me a man who is not accountable to anyone and there’s your whirlwind ready to embrace any and all ideas, good or bad. A man who is grounded in his faith and believes in a higher being checks himself. As Christians, we are guided by our belief that we are ultimately accountable to God for how we live our lives. We are guarded by set Biblical principles for everyday life and living to treat others as we wish to be treated and that we are all of God’s children. So, this father’s day I wanted to cheer us on. There is no way to measure our success or failures but be assured that there are listening and watching. Our children are molded by our character and set of values. They hear you and at other times, they see what you did and how you reacted under pressure or a given set of circumstances.

I have not advocated spanking here but I do not rule it out as a tool for discipline. A parent must weigh the circumstances. A good rule of thumb is never to spank a child unless they are physically aggressive or hurtful to their sibling. Most other character issues can be dealt with by talking it through and other sets of punishments and or rewards. It is always a balancing act between the carrot and the stick. As they get older, employ other tools. I have found out that my kids at ages 6, 9 and eleven enjoy the responsibility of self-policing … “if one person cries, then everyone cries”. You will be surprised how they make peace among themselves and resolve their disagreements without running to you. Ultimately discipline must be fair and relative. The Bible enjoins us in Ephesians 6:4,” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”. Even kids will revolt if your reaction or punishment is unwarranted, is out of anger and over the top relative to the error. There used to be times when as a kid I thought I have done it and I am in real trouble but my Dad completely ignores me. One day I remember stupidly asking him why I did not get disciplined for bad behavior. His response surprised me. He said he saw I had already disciplined myself by my remorse and recluse. When a child clearly show they understand the error of their ways is the time for an embrace and a pep talk about character and responsibility. “Accidents happen but be careful next time” was all I got when I broke my Dad’s favorite soup bowl. So, sometimes, we need to surprise our kids even with our love, understanding and our judgment as to where they are in their development and age. “Daddy, why did I get in trouble and Praise didn’t”, my son asked me last week. Because you are older and ought to know better. You should set a better example for your younger ones, I answered.

Yet, the best training for our children is ourselves, our lives and how we live it. Take them out to the prisons to appreciate that there are serious consequences when character flaws affect others in the larger society, visit hospitals, etc to teach them that overindulgence has it’s ‘unrewards’ and volunteer at shelters or helping the less privileged. They will learn to appreciate what they have and most importantly study the Bible with them so they understand that true happiness and satisfaction comes from God, from within us and not the acquisition of material things. Know that you are doing your best and that is all that is required. God will mold them if we do our path. When in doubt, go to God in prayers. Being a Christian father is a balancing act and sometimes we wonder. At those times, stop and be comforted by the word of God … Hebrews 12:11 “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” Happy Father’s Day!.

Charles Abiahu Esq.